For the last 6 months, I go in twice a month to watch our system complete the billing tasks, usually leaving at 2 am. On these late nights, Dirk will venture out for a drink with Speedy. They always have the intention of waiting until I join them after my shift. Tonight, I was able to leave at 1:30 am, telling Dirk I will pick him up downtown at one of the local pubs.

When I get there he is very drunk and standing with a  group of girls completely  ignoring me until his conversation is complete – giving me the ‘just a minute signal’ (Not cool when I am tired from a long night working). Finally, he walks over and proclaims I need to touch this girls ears – fuck that – get in the car. 

When we arrive home, I noticed that Dirk is not packed and we are leaving for the airport in 5 hours. When I point this out, he claims he is packed, its just not ‘in the bag’. Okay – have fun getting organized in the morning.

As we are getting ready for bed, I ask where the dog is. He walks to the top of the stairs and yells ‘Dummy, come to bed were not going to see you for 2 weeks (we are actually only going to 5 days – but correcting a drunk is pointless) so come spend some time with me’. The dog does not come up.  

Next, he decides at 2 am we need to watch a movie. At 2:05 am, I shut it off as he is fast asleep. As I am laying in bed trying to ‘will’ myself asleep when I hear something. Is that a bark? I look at the clock – 2:30 am. Again, bark. ‘Dirk, is Cash outside?’ I ask. ‘No’ he grumbles. ‘Bark’. I go downstairs and let the dog in.

I am not sure when I finally fall asleep, but I am awaken by Dirk getting out of bed, I look at the clock, 4 am. Fuck – 2 1/2 hours until the alarm. The garbage can starts to bang around the bathroom loudly. Really!! What the fuck now!! Silence. Then more banging of the garbage can. Silence. He is back in bed.

The alarm rings at 6:30 am and I drag myself to the bathroom and stare at the garbage can in the middle of the bathroom. WTF?! Oh yeah – Dirk. Bing! I start to piece it together. He got up in the middle of the night and yup, took a piss  in the bin. I promptly tell him that he is an idiot and to clean it up.

Victoria is a tourist town – most businesses are in the service industry and geared to the masses that start arriving  in May each year and continue to arrive until the middle of October. One hotel announced it is going to take their service one step further. The Holiday Inn is  now offering ‘bed warming’. Yes, bed warming. This entails a person showing up at your room wearing a head to toe flannel suit and laying in your bed until a thermometer they are wearing reaches 68 F (20 C).

So, you open the door to a six foot teletubbie who will then lay in your bed so it is warm for you. What do you do while they are laying in your bed? Shower? Make uncomfortable small talk?

‘Your not a Teletubbie!”‘
‘No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express.’

We have had the car two and a half years. When we purchased it we took the ‘New Car Coverage’ which, if it every was to be written off, we would get our full purchase price back. The adjuster calls to say the car is repairable with only $6000 in damage. If the body shop comes back and it is double, then they will write it off as the car is worth around $17,000. Well, it came back at more then double his estimate. They are fixing the car – it is a rip off to take the coverage as they won’t pay it.

To add insult to injury – I was pulled over by the police in my shitty courtesy car. There was no insurance on the car and the officer noticed this by the lack the tags. I was able to talk my way out of the ticket.

What a cluster fuck this entire situation is!!

It was 1:30 in the afternoon and my co-workers and I had just finished a fantastic holiday lunch full of laughter and great food. I called Dirk for no reason at all – then told him I was about to start driving so he told me no talking on the phone. I hung up and turned out of the parking lot and onto the main road – two minutes later I was back on the phone telling Dirk I was just in a head on crash. He could not really hear me since my horn was blaring as I was still sitting in the car. Which now that I think back, I really don’t know why? When an air bag deploys the car fills with what looks like baby powder – so after the crash you really feel like you are in a dream. Maybe that is why I was in a fog.

I got out of the car and people were running over and I was, well, confused as to what just happened.  I called 9-1-1 and let them know I was in a head on crash, she then corrected me, I actually ‘t-boned’ a car. Help came in the form of a police officer on a petal bike (really the guy on the bike got there first) – followed by an ambulance – two fire trucks – and another police car.

The girl that I hit had to crawl out of the passenger door as I smashed into the drivers side. She was crying, so I gave her a hug and told her it would be fine. All she could say was that she was so sorry. She was just coming from making a donation at the Salvation Army and could not see me coming (no shit) due to a truck turning. She pulled out and BOOM. That is how I met Chelsa.

Where the fuck did my fence go!!

I walk back in the house and yell to Dirk upstairs;

M: “Dirk, the fence is gone.”
D: “What do you mean gone?”
M: “As in not there anymore.”

I then walk over to investigate – it is hanging in the neighbours yard – the metal post is bent in half – it took a lot of force to pull this over. First, the gate was ripped off the hinges a few months back – now this. I am still in WTF mode.

Update: It is now Thursday morning and I am lying in bed listening to a repetitive dull thumping. I am usually at work, so these sounds of people working away are new to me. Wait – what are they working on? I peek out the window – two men are replacing the fence – cool!! Wait – are they just banging back on the broken piece of shit that fell off? Yes they are. I am torn – do we tell them we’d rather have a nice new fence or let them continue to do all the work fixing the old. We are sticking with the old fence for now.

Dirk: I think your hot.

Mich: Thanks, I think your good-looking too. It makes up for all the stupid shit you do.

While helping Dirk prepare dinner, I was asked to cut a lemon in half for him. I grabbed the lemon, split it in two and handed him half. I then noticed the little sticker that the grocery clerk uses to id the produce. In my usually manner, I removed the sticker and promptly suck it to Dirk’s ear. I then finished what I was doing and moved on to another task in another part of the house. An hour must have past when Dirk yells from upstairs – in my alarm I run to the stairs to see if he is okay. While looking in the mirror, he noticed something on his ear and was alarmed to find a sticker. I actually stood there looking at him dumbfounded. He had no idea how it got there or how long he had been wondering the house with it on. In his alarm, he was worried that he had gone jogging with it on.

I am not sure what to say – it was not a sneak attach like I was placing a ‘kick me’ sign on his back without him knowing. I walked over and stuck it to his ear, giggled, then continued what I was doing. I am sure glad he’s good-looking.

Me: Hi Mom, how is everything going with Mya?

Mom: Good, she has been enjoying running from the front door to the back door barking at the passing neighbours.

Me: Yes, you definitely feel safe when she is in the house.

Mom: I know, I opened the front door on purpose so she could bark at the mail lady, she is a real bitch. I was in the my bedroom when she walked up the front step. She barely had the mail in the box when Mya started to bark, scared the shit right out of her. I was in the bedroom just killing myself laughing.

Me: Huh?

At this point I hung up and ran into the hotel bathroom to tell Dirk the story. That prompted a follow up phone call later, as we could still not understand how she came to hate the mail lady. We had questions; Did the mail lady fold her mail? Did she get the mail wet one too many times? We rarely see our mail lady, so how did this happen. Here is the condensed version of why…….she walks on my mom’s lawn.

“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’”" – Dave Barry