He starts by telling us that he has reviewed my file, which probably took him a while. With the excellent quality of embryo’s and all the different protocols they have tried we should have gotten a positive pregnancy test by now. This leads him back to something he told me during my first transfer, my endometrium is too thin.  A woman’s endometrium needs to be in the 8 mm to 14 mm range for a successful implantation. Mine was barely measuring 8mm, and I think he was rounding up. When a women is looking for someone to tell her she is thin, it is not their uterus lining they are hoping they point out. I am shocked, I never thought it would come to this, to the fact it is now my issue holding us back. My head is spinning: Does that mean we give up? Do we try again? What happens now?

He then tells us we still have options;

1. Reverse Dirk’s vasectomy
2. Donor Sperm
3. Find a Surrogate

We have all read about Dirk’s experience with the vasectomy – so that is not an option – even the doctor agrees. Donor Sperm does not appeal to me, that would mean the child was not fully ours, only mine. But wait, did he not just say my endometrium was too thin? When I raised this point he tells me the body reacts differently under natural circumstances and we could get pregnant. Too bad we don’t like these options.

That leaves the last option, finding someone to be a surrogate mother for our child. Dirk and I always talked about adopting if this process did not work for us, and to me this is pretty much the same thing.  Another women would carry a child that would eventually be ours, the only difference is that this child would be biologically ours.

This is our third attempt, and again it is different from the first two rounds. The first round, I felt completely nothing until the day of the pregnancy test when my boobs started to hurt. The second round, I had many symptoms: sore boobs, nausea, cramping. This round I have only had a lot of cramping, even in the last two days. My period is coming and that is really disappointing.

The morning is spent trying to lose myself in my work, but my mind always comes back to the sad thought of not being pregnant and starting over again. The clock ticks by slowly, it is now the late afternoon.  ’When are they going to phone?’  – keeps going through my head. The phone rings – we both jumped. The news is what we expected. My eyes tear up immediately, they confirmed my suspicions and it hurts.

We are not pregnant.

Our Three Embryo's

The phone rang this morning, it was the clinic to discuss how our thaw went. My heart goes to my throat ‘oh shit none made it’ rushes through my head. They tell me they thawed four and got three good ones. I am shocked and excited at the same time. They finish up by saying one looks like it has never been frozen. I don’t know what that means – but hell, it sounds good to me. They end the call by reminding me to have four glasses of water one hour before we arrive.

We get to the clinic late, or at least we think. We are actually 30 minutes early so we sit in the waiting room watching HGTV and flipping through magazines. Every few minutes I am asked how my bladder is holding up – each time I reply, ‘fine’. They put us in the procedure room where we wait for 30 minutes while they prep.  Holy Shit, I now need to pee, so I send Dirk out to find someone as it is getting tense.

The ultra sound reveals I have too much in my bladder so they hand me a cup and tell me only to let out enough to fill it. These people are nuts – there is no way I can measure my urine output like pouring milk. Once the tap is open, I am not sure I can get it closed in time.

I comment that I hope they are letting me go to the bathroom and not make me do it in the room. After a few laughs I walk down to the washroom – here goes nothing – or in my case one cup of pee. It went okay. I was able to stop the flow with only minimal spillage.  I empty the cup and stand there wondering if they recycle – I mean it is a plastic cup after all. The answer is clearly no, but I make the doctor laugh for asking.

Back in the room they look at my bladder again – shit – still to full. They hand me a dixie cup this time – ‘One and half fills please’ they tell me.  They are killing me – but off I go again. When I return the comment is made that they are impressed with my kegel ability. I did not know I even had it.

Now that I am comfortable and the doctor is satisfied at my bladder size, transfer begins. They display our three embryos on the screen for us to see, it is truly amazing. Once the transfer is complete, they administer another IV of inter-lipid to help with decreasing my immune system.

Three hours after we arrive, we are able to leave, buns in the oven. The twelve day wait begins.

Today, I received my next steps for our preparation for transfer on Wednesday. It is insane and I can not remember half the time what the hell I need to do and when. After deciphering the clinical coordinators notes and coming up with the timetable, I read this out to Dirk, he started to glaze over;

My process now starts at 6 am with a shot of Heparin (blood thinner), Estrace tablets (estrogen) and Prometrium tablets (progesterone). This is closely followed by a baby aspirin, prenatal vitamin, antibiotics, Vitamin D (2 tablets), and Calcium (3 tablets). At 2 pm I need to take Estrace and Prometrium. At 6 pm Heparin and Prometrium. At dinner another antibiotic and prenatal vitamin. Finally, at 10 pm my last daily dose of Estrace and Prometrium.

We need to create a daily schedule or we will miss something. Now, we have alarms set and each time it rings we look at the schedule and cross off what drugs we are to administer. I feel like a pill monster.

This time we are only doing one shot each evening to suppress ovulation. I have to admit – we keep forgetting about the shot – the other night I was laying in bed – sat up and exclaimed ‘Shit the shot!’

I feel guilty about not being more attentive: is it because I am less stressed – less caring – even expecting it to work. If this is the roller coaster of feelings I am having now, I am afraid for Dirk when I am actually pregnant.

We (well me) only needs to take one shot to suppress ovulation this time, which in itself is exciting, as you really feel like a pin cushion during this process. Once I get my period, I will need to take Estrogen twice a day for up to 7 days. Then Progesterone is added twice a day (and you recall how I feel about the progesterone). Since the doctor is going with the assumption that my immune system is wonky, he will be adding two drugs: Intravenous Inter-lipid which is a mild steroid (I am hoping this does not give me whiskers) and Heparin, a blood thinner.

It is amazing how my mood improves once the process starts again – I am excited that this is the round that we get the great news we have been waiting for. Third Time Lucky.

Today, we met with the doctor. The news is still very positive, we have exceptional embryo’s, especially at my age.  This leads him to conclude a couple of options: a) We were just beaten by the odds or b) I have an over active immune system that is not allowing the embryo’s to implant.

With eight frozen embryo’s, the decision is made that this round will be a frozen embryo transfer (FET) which will be much easier on my body. There will be no fertility drugs, but I will be taking the estrogen and progesterone to prepare. As you recall from my previous blog, this is where crap gets messy. Finally, they will introduce a steroid and a blood thinner to ensure my immune system gives these embryo’s a fighting chance.

I leave the doctor’s office armed with literature on the FET process and a requisition for a few more tests. I feel great, like we keep hitting snooze on my biological clock.

When I get home I relay these details to Dirk. He wants me to call the centre to ensure they call us stat with the results – the clinical coordinator promises she will. It is 12:30 pm when the call comes – she is sorry to report that the results are negative. This time I know better then to question the results. There is no need to pee on the stick to confirm.

BFN – Big Fat Negative.

After the multitude of shots to suppress ovulation, stimulate follicle growth, and drop mature eggs – your ovaries are really not working just yet. So, prior to embryo transfer, you will need to simulate two hormones, estrogen and progesterone. Estrogen helps maintain the endometrial lining of the uterus, while progesterone prepares the lining for implantation of a fertilized egg.

Estrace pills are taken three times a day to ensure estrogen levels are being maintained. But the prometrium, that mimics the progesterone, is required to be taken inter-vaginally every eight hours.

Now, we have all had to insert a tampon or two in our day, so we are all familiar with the area and the concept. Put a pill on the end of your finger and push it in as far as you can.  But hold on, no body told me there is going to be discharge that ends up yucking up the panties.

I started by wearing pantie liners – but this lead to a bad diaper rash. Great, not only am I impatient with the 12 day wait and have this stupid discharge, but I am now itchy and sore.

Our first transfer – I felt nothing. No sore boobs. No cramping. No anything. The outcome was negative, we were not pregnant. I am in shock – I do not believe the doctor – I question him like a idiot. Are you sure?  Yes. What is my hCG? Zero. Just in case you are wondering – hCG (the hormone Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is produced during pregnancy and in the first weeks is usually between 5 – 426 mIU/ml, doubling every 48 hours. So zero is not a good number.

With our second transfer, I feel different. I have had sore boobs for about a week now. Several days I have had cramping – almost like I am going to get my period. I have had a headache now for 4 days. There are waves of nausea. And the topper, I was watching ‘Meet the Fockers’ and got teary – this is a comedy folks!!

Now I wonder, is this in my head? Am I making them up? Are these just signs of my period and that again this did not work?

I go to get a new toothbrush today and came home with a pregnancy test. I put it away and hope that I can make it until Monday before losing my mind. Patience.