Life is full of ‘firsts’. Your first word, first step, first kiss, first time you have sex, first time you drive a car. I have now added, the first time an air bag smashes you in the face.

It was 1:30 in the afternoon and my co-workers and I had just finished a fantastic holiday lunch full of laughter and great food. I called Dirk for no reason at all – then told him I was about to start driving so he told me no talking on the phone. I hung up and turned out of the parking lot and onto the main road – two minutes later I was back on the phone telling Dirk I was just in a head on crash. He could not really hear me since my horn was blaring as I was still sitting in the car. Which now that I think back, I really don’t know why? When an air bag deploys the car fills with what looks like baby powder – so after the crash you really feel like you are in a dream. Maybe that is why I was in a fog.

I got out of the car and people were running over and I was, well, confused as to what just happened.  I called 9-1-1 and let them know I was in a head on crash, she then corrected me, I actually ‘t-boned’ a car. Help came in the form of a police officer on a petal bike (really the guy on the bike got there first) – followed by an ambulance – two fire trucks – and another police car.

The girl that I hit had to crawl out of the passenger door as I smashed into the drivers side. She was crying, so I gave her a hug and told her it would be fine. All she could say was that she was so sorry. She was just coming from making a donation at the Salvation Army and could not see me coming (no shit) due to a truck turning. She pulled out and BOOM. That is how I met Chelsa.

It has been a week since we received our disappointing news that our third attempt at IVF failed.  The doctor wanted to see us before the holidays, so he arranged for us to come to his office the day following the pregnancy test. Upon entering his office,  I see my file on his desk. I am amazed at how thick it is, so thick it is now actually two files and both are busting with papers.

He starts by telling us that he has reviewed my file, which probably took him a while. With the excellent quality of embryo’s and all the different protocols they have tried we should have gotten a positive pregnancy test by now. This leads him back to something he told me during my first transfer, my endometrium is too thin.  A woman’s endometrium needs to be in the 8 mm to 14 mm range for a successful implantation. Mine was barely measuring 8mm, and I think he was rounding up. When a women is looking for someone to tell her she is thin, it is not their uterus lining they are hoping they point out. I am shocked, I never thought it would come to this, to the fact it is now my issue holding us back. My head is spinning: Does that mean we give up? Do we try again? What happens now?

He then tells us we still have options;

1. Reverse Dirk’s vasectomy
2. Donor Sperm
3. Find a Surrogate

We have all read about Dirk’s experience with the vasectomy – so that is not an option – even the doctor agrees. Donor Sperm does not appeal to me, that would mean the child was not fully ours, only mine. But wait, did he not just say my endometrium was too thin? When I raised this point he tells me the body reacts differently under natural circumstances and we could get pregnant. Too bad we don’t like these options.

That leaves the last option, finding someone to be a surrogate mother for our child. Dirk and I always talked about adopting if this process did not work for us, and to me this is pretty much the same thing.  Another women would carry a child that would eventually be ours, the only difference is that this child would be biologically ours.

It has been 12 days, 65 pantie liners, 33 Heparin Shots, 136 Vitamins and Supplements, 100 Estrace Pills, 133 Prometrium Pills, and 10 Antibiotics Pills since the embryo transfer.  Today, the  alarm clock rings at 8 am and I hit snooze. I am nervous about going to get my blood test as I have a strong feeling we are going to get another  ‘No’.  The lady at the lab wishes me luck and tells me she hopes to see me soon.  This makes me sad – I know in my heart this did not work for us. I feel like crying already.

This is our third attempt, and again it is different from the first two rounds. The first round, I felt completely nothing until the day of the pregnancy test when my boobs started to hurt. The second round, I had many symptoms: sore boobs, nausea, cramping. This round I have only had a lot of cramping, even in the last two days. My period is coming and that is really disappointing.

The morning is spent trying to lose myself in my work, but my mind always comes back to the sad thought of not being pregnant and starting over again. The clock ticks by slowly, it is now the late afternoon.  ‘When are they going to phone?’  – keeps going through my head. The phone rings – we both jumped. The news is what we expected. My eyes tear up immediately, they confirmed my suspicions and it hurts.

We are not pregnant.